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Kareni
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| Joined: | Wed May 16th, 2007 |
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Posted: Fri Jul 11th, 2008 03:25 am |
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I read a rather sobering book lately entitled Unhooked: How Young Women Pursue Sex, Delay Love and Lose at Both by Laura Sessions Stepp.
Here's a link to the Amazon page:
http://www.amazon.com/Unhooked-Young-Women-Pursue-Delay/dp/1594489386/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1215772882&sr=8-1
The author of the book indicates that today hooking up is a much more frequent occurrence on college campuses and high schools than dating. I'm curious if your college aged children would agree. For those of you with children already in college, would you ask them if hooking up is the norm on their campus or whether it is only a small part of the social scene.
My daughter is a rising senior and I'm thinking of having her read this book so that she has an idea of what she might encounter at college. I'd love to get an idea as to whether this book is alarmist or not.
Regards,
Kareni
Last edited on Fri Jul 11th, 2008 11:31 pm by Kareni
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Deja
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Posted: Fri Jul 11th, 2008 10:45 am |
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Karen, your link to the book didn't work for me, so I looked it up on Amazon myself.
Maybe this link will work here:
http://www.amazon.com/Unhooked-Young-Women-Pursue-Delay/dp/1594489386/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1215772882&sr=8-1
Last edited on Fri Jul 11th, 2008 10:46 am by Deja
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jocelynDAD
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Posted: Fri Jul 11th, 2008 12:04 pm |
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Kareni:
Have you asked your D about this subject at her high school?
Kinda awkward question, don't you think?
Why would it be any less arkward for me (or anyone else) to ask our D's about 'hookin up' at their college or high school?
It is just not the topic I personally wish to communicate about with our daughters.
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Chedva
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Posted: Fri Jul 11th, 2008 03:38 pm |
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| It's also not a topic on which I expect my d to tell me the truth! (I certainly wouldn't talk to my mother about it, then or now!)
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WestrnMom
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| Joined: | Fri May 26th, 2006 |
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Posted: Fri Jul 11th, 2008 06:49 pm |
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This is the difference between values of the younger generation and ours. It's demeaning for everyone. I haven't read the book, but it's most likely a result of young adults not going steady any more and a lack of respect for themselves, especially the young women. Teens are more likely to be intimate if they have long-term steadies, but if that isn't happening any more, I can see where hooking up starts looking better, at least for the guys who are interested. I have no idea why girls would put themselves into that type of situation. And no, I haven't asked my children. It's not in line with their values, so I would be surprised if they were involved in that type of behavior.
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scoop
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Posted: Fri Jul 11th, 2008 07:08 pm |
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| I actually have discussed this with my daughter. I've used books I've read and newspaper articles to initiate a discussion. On one hand, I think it is not that uncommon in her high school. On the other hand, I am assuming the stories she hears are true and not embellished. Last year she came to me with concerns about a friend who was acting in a way that my D did not feel was appropriate or respectful. At this point in time, discussing the choices others have made has led to some good talks about her choices and values. That said, I don't feel that she will always be as open with me when it comes to her own behavior. I can only hope that she will remember how she felt last year and stick to the values she says she has. I don't think you should force her to read the book but I also don't think there is anything wrong with commenting on the fact that you read it, how it made you feel and finding out what she thinks..if she is willing to talk about it. At the very least, she knows you are thinking about her.
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Northeastmom
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Posted: Fri Jul 11th, 2008 07:15 pm |
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| Kareni, I have talked about this with my son, and he would say it is the norm for many, but obviously is not for the norm for everyone. It is not a small part of the social scene. Last edited on Fri Jul 11th, 2008 07:16 pm by Northeastmom
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Kareni
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| Joined: | Wed May 16th, 2007 |
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Posted: Fri Jul 11th, 2008 07:26 pm |
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Thank you for the replies thus far.
Deja, thanks for fixing the link. I think it was that bracket that I put at the end that caused the problem.
Jocelyndad, I see your point. It wasn't my intention that anyone quiz his child on that child's own behavior so much as learn what the campus culture or mindset might be. I think back to my own high school and college days and my knowledge of the drug culture even though I did not participate in it myself.
My daughter is homeschooled, so I can't ask her about how things are at her school. She does take classes at a local homeschool center; however, it is a small place (only about 300 students from K through 12) and parents are very much a presence there. In fact, one student at the end-of-year completion ceremony for seniors got a big laugh when he said how nice it was to take classes at such a small location where he knew everyone ... and his mother! Students there may take anywhere from one to several classes a week and tend to leave once the class is finished; students don't necessarily have a lot of time to socialize. My daughter also takes classes at the local community college; however, I suspect that the culture there is very different from a residential campus.
Chedva, I can appreciate your point too as to whether the answers we are given might be truthful.
WestrnMom, thanks for sharing your thoughts. The book has made me think quite a bit about the messages that our children get from us and from society. One point that the author brings up is that our daughters have been brought up to think that they can have it all. They may also have been given the message to get an education and career first before pursuing a personal relationship. I believe the author's message is that there is nothing wrong with saying that our children should seek an education and career but that we should also tell them that a loving relationship can coexist with education and career.
Regards,
Kareni
Last edited on Fri Jul 11th, 2008 11:32 pm by Kareni
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Kareni
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Posted: Fri Jul 11th, 2008 07:37 pm |
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scoop and Northeastmom, thank you both for your responses.
scoop, I don't think I will force her to read the book, but I will strongly suggest it. I too try to bring up topics for discussion when the opportunity presents itself, and I did share portions of the book with her when I was reading it. This can lead to some interesting dinnertime conversations!
Northeastmom, thanks for sharing your son's take on the social scene. (Is this the son who is a rising junior in high school?)
Regards,
Kareni
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scoop
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Posted: Fri Jul 11th, 2008 07:52 pm |
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| I'm sure you know I didn't mean "force" in a literal sense. I often email links to things I feel like discussing. It lets her read the info in her own time with no pressure to respond. Last edited on Fri Jul 11th, 2008 09:02 pm by scoop
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warblers
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Posted: Fri Jul 11th, 2008 08:34 pm |
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the book indicates that today hooking up is a much more frequent occurence on college campuses and high schools than dating. I'm curious if your college aged children would agree. For those of you with children already in college, would you ask them if hooking up is the norm on their campus or whether it is only a small part of the social scene.
Speaking as a college student, I would agree. Hooking up is popular among both males and females. Lest anyone be too shocked, I should point out that "hooking up" is an exceedingly vague term used to mean kissing, petting, and/or further bases. Hooking up is not synonymous with casual sex. In fact, approximately 33% of all college students do not have sex at all while in college (at Harvard this is 47%).
I would hesitate to say that students necessarily feel pressured into hooking up. While it does indeed often seem the easy or popular way out, dating is usually readily available for students interested in it. I've dated guys in college and know quite a few others who have; several of my friends are engaged to be married after graduation. My school encourages dating, and a student group organized several activities this past semester to encourage dating (e.g. free spaghetti dinners on the plaza). That said, some colleges (e.g. BYU) are more likely to have students interested in dating than others.Last edited on Fri Jul 11th, 2008 08:41 pm by warblers
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Northeastmom
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Posted: Fri Jul 11th, 2008 11:15 pm |
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Kareni, No this is not my HS student! My kids grew up in a very conservative and sheltered in environment! I did warn my older son before he left for college about these kinds of behaviors, and my point was to tell him not to get kicked out of his room on a regular basis, and to set boundaries for his roommate. I reminded him that we are paying for half of the room, and just reminded him not get pushed around or be a "doormat" for anyone. I am glad that I was able to give him those tips before he left to go to college, and before I met or knew a thing about his roommate. I think that because my son had not experienced college yet, did not know anyone yet, he was open to discussing, and was open to listening to my advice.
Kareni, I will also send a PM to you.
Last edited on Sat Jul 12th, 2008 02:13 am by Northeastmom
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Kareni
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Posted: Sat Jul 12th, 2008 01:47 am |
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Warblers,
Thanks very much for sharing your experiences as a current college student. And thank you too for clarifying the fact that hooking up can refer to a variety of different behaviors. It reassures me to hear that while hooking up is very common that dating is not totally out of the picture.
Regards,
Kareni
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Kareni
Member
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Posted: Sat Jul 12th, 2008 01:51 am |
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Northeastmom,
Thanks for getting me thinking about telling my daughter to discuss and set boundaries with her roommate(s). I can see where that would be a wise plan.
Regards,
Kareni
P.S. Thanks for your PM.
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Northeastmom
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Posted: Sat Jul 12th, 2008 02:16 am |
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| About setting boundaries, I told my son that he should be polite about it, but he should also be firm. His roommate really did respect those boundaries, and it worked out well. They both were respectful of each other.
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Canadian
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Posted: Sat Jul 12th, 2008 03:55 am |
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"In fact, approximately 33% of all college students do not have sex at all while in college (at Harvard this is 47%)."
Warblers,
Interesting statistic. Do you know what the source is?
Kareni,
Thanks for starting this. I read several of the Amazon reviews. Quite the eye-poppers.
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warblers
Member
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Posted: Sat Jul 12th, 2008 04:30 am |
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Canadian wrote:"In fact, approximately 33% of all college students do not have sex at all while in college (at Harvard this is 47%)."
Warblers,
Interesting statistic. Do you know what the source is?
I've heard the 33% tossed around in several places, but the Harvard statistic came from a Crimson article discussed on CC a while back.
http://www.thecrimson.com/article.aspx?ref=518466
According to an online survey conducted by University Health Services (UHS) last spring that drew an undergraduate response rate of 40 percent, nearly half of all respondents (47 percent) reported that they had never engaged in vaginal intercourse. The national average for undergraduates at other colleges stood significantly lower at 31 to 32 percent. Last edited on Sat Jul 12th, 2008 04:31 am by warblers
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Canadian
Member
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Posted: Sat Jul 12th, 2008 07:51 am |
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| Thanks, Warblers. Glad to see another side of this story.
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leftcoast
Member
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Posted: Sat Jul 12th, 2008 08:43 am |
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Well,, if "hooking up" can "consist entirely of one kiss, or it can involve fondling, oral sex, anal sex, intercourse or any combination of those things" (from the Amazon summary) -- then yeah.... Seems that they have just redefined terms in very odd, somewhat Puritanical way. We used to call kissing & fondling "making out" when I was in junior high.. and everyone did it. If you are going to lump every type of casual encounter together and call it one thing, then I guess you will get the numbers you want to see.
I don't think that anything has changed since the dawn of time, except now we've got a new set of definitions that can be used to provoke outrage from those who want to get worked up over those things.
Last edited on Sat Jul 12th, 2008 08:45 am by leftcoast
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Canadian
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Posted: Sat Jul 12th, 2008 09:33 am |
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It is not the sex per se that caused me concern when reading the reviews. It is that apparently the book purports that large numbers of young women are not interested in marriage or even relationships.
I went to a VERY liberal university back in the 60-70's, and there was a great deal of sexual activity and exploration. However, every girl I knew (I realize this is a small sample, but still, EVERY girl I knew) was seeking a loving and long term relationship. The sexual activity was part of the search.
I wonder if things have really changed so much. I guess I'll know in a few years.
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