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Daaaad
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| Joined: | Sat Jun 3rd, 2006 |
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Posted: Mon Sep 3rd, 2007 02:15 pm |
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On another site I was reading a parent's passionate lament about their D's room assignment, roommates, etc. I was struck by the intensity of the ownership that parent took in trying to manage their D's college experience. I was beginning to wonder what was wrong with me.
Although I share similar concerns for my D, I tend to stand back and offer limited opinions in the belief that it is my D's job to figure that stuff out. It's part of her growth in college. As I say, "It is her 4 years of college, not mine." But I'm not blind to the realities and I make sure she knows I'm ready and willing to give her a helping hand, but only if she asks. I take the path of managing expectations, reminding her that "stuff happens" and encouraging her to find ways to adapt.
However, we talk a lot about college in general. In fact, I think we have had some of our best adult conversations during the past few weeks as she gets ready (she doesn't start until mid-Sept). Last night we went to a movie and walked out arm-in-arm. I love her dearly but feel she must learn some of life's lessons on her own. I tell her not to worry about the minor mistakes, that's just part of learning. It's the big mistakes she needs to worry about and avoid.
She already had a disappointment on roommates - she and another girl she met at summer orientation hit it off immediately and had requested to be roommates but unfortunately they did not get assigned together. At first she was upset but then she took the attitude that she needed to get to know her new roommate and make the most of it. They now text each other several times a day getting to know each other, preparing room decor, layout, etc. In fact, the other girl, also an out-of-state student, has expressed her gratitude for that effort. We'll see what happens when they actually live together, but that shows me my D has already learned an important college lesson on how to turn a minor disappointment into a positive.
What do you think she would have learned if I had bulled my way into the problem? Which approach prepares her for adulthood?
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binx
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| Joined: | Sun Mar 5th, 2006 |
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Posted: Mon Sep 3rd, 2007 05:21 pm |
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I suspect my own approach is somewhere in between. My own parents were completely and totally uninvolved, so I know I have to consciously avoid over-compensating. But because of my own parents' non-involvement, I think I had a lot messier time with things, simply because I had to figure things out on my own, and made a lot of mistakes I shouldn't have had to.
Therefore, my approach with my own kids has been focused a lot on "what ifs" -- such as what things "matter" in roommate conflict. (For example, be prepared to ignore idealogical differences; don't be prepared to ignore drugs or alcohol in the room.) We've had lots of talks about things like over-extending oneself. We suggested limiting oneself to two ECs at first, for example, but did not suggest WHICH two ECs.
The fact that my kids all go to school so far away from home necessarily limits my input to those things they ask my advice about. But all 3 are very comfortable talking about things, and I get requests for advice about everything from course choices to dating to laundry. I make a huge effort to make sure my kids never feel "dictated to" and that my opinion is only that. I actually feel a bit of a thrill every once in awhile when they make a decision contrary to my advice! I like to see signs of independence. (I also have to work on my H, sometimes, to let go. He is less involved as a whole, but the things he IS involved with, he is very detailed and controlling.)
I also feel that parental "interference" should be withdrawn gradually, not all at once. I've never been fond of the "sink or swim" method of learning.
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WestrnMom
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| Joined: | Fri May 26th, 2006 |
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Posted: Mon Sep 3rd, 2007 08:55 pm |
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When we moved S into the dorm, I walked by one room at least 20 times. Each time I heard or saw a boy's mom taking over all the unpacking, rearranging the furniture, telling the roommate what to do. It reminded me to keep the duct tape available all day.
Mine has learned from his sister that the roommate issue should not be a big deal. If they get along, that is enough. If they become best friends, it's wonderful, but if they don't, it's alright, too. They can have friends anywhere on campus. Sometimes it works out better if good friends don't room together.
I've stepped back a lot and told him in advance I would do that. He's called a few times needing suggestions, but most of the time he's figured things out for himself, especially the biggest issues. I'm delighted that he is taking charge and handling things so well (so far).
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entomom
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| Joined: | Mon Mar 6th, 2006 |
| Location: | Oregon USA |
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Posted: Tue Sep 4th, 2007 10:14 pm |
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WestrnMom,
The mom you describe sounds a lot like my D's roommate's mother. The girls moved in last Wed. It took us until 830pm that night to get the furniture arranged due to all of the "suggestions" by the other mom. She would make a statement and ask what I thought, to which I'd reply, "since it's their room, I'll leave it up to the girls". I had tried unsuccessfully to distract the mom by having her show us around campus (she had attended) while I instructed my D to get together with her roommate and make a decision about the room arrangement. It didn't work, so the girls shuffled around their room with their mothers while all of the other kids were socializing in the hallway. We flew home on Thurs., but the saga continued with how big and how many rugs, etc. until she finally left, yesterday!
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Daaaad
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Posted: Wed Sep 5th, 2007 01:34 am |
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Thanks for illustrating my point much better than I could or did, entomom.
And binx I don't believe in sink or swim either. I believe in giving my D a few "life" swimming lessons and then letting her go in the pool on her own. She'll never truly learn until she does it on her own.
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binx
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| Joined: | Sun Mar 5th, 2006 |
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Posted: Wed Sep 5th, 2007 02:32 am |
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I think we agree. But the size of the pool and the availability of lifeguards does dictate how far I wander from the edge! 
[It's actually a good analgy. My D has refused to learn to swim. She dog paddles quite well, though.]
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Chedva
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Posted: Wed Sep 5th, 2007 12:07 pm |
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binx, your H sounds a lot like mine. The roommates decided to "unloft" their beds, which the dads did. We then all discussed room arrangements (they asked for parental input), and the girls decided. H's reaction: "I don't think they chose the best setup for the room. I'm not happy with it." I have to remind him that he doesn't have to be happy with it; they do. And that they'll probably rearrange it twelve times, and get it just right the week before May finals!
I've also heard a lot of "But I told her . . ." lately. I keep reminding her that, yes, she has to get out of her comfort zone sometime, but she has to decide how and when.
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WestrnMom
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| Joined: | Fri May 26th, 2006 |
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Posted: Wed Sep 5th, 2007 02:59 pm |
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Entomom, that must be the difference between girls and boys. S is in a room that could be arranged differently to give them optimum use of the space, but they are two guys, and are perfectly fine with things as they are even if it's not the best set up. They are limited by the location of the electric outlets. S told us when we first walked in, "it's my room, I'll figure it out" before we even had a chance to make a single suggestion. Although I must be more outspoken than most parents because if I walked into the situation you described, I would have said something to the other parent, humorously but with intent as I think it's unfair to the students for a parent to do that to someone else's child, much less her own. You are more polite than I am!
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entomom
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| Joined: | Mon Mar 6th, 2006 |
| Location: | Oregon USA |
| Posts: | 362 |
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Posted: Wed Sep 5th, 2007 04:18 pm |
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WestrnMom,
I'm chuckling because I'm NOT known for being particularly polite ! However, I must say that I was trying hard to be on my best behavior for my D's sake. Although it wasn't great that we took so long to set up, she would have been more disturbed if I had caused tension with her roommate's mom. Also, my D had met the mother previously and knows that she is so obtuse that she would not recognize or react to a hint to zip it.
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Consolation
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| Joined: | Mon Apr 9th, 2007 |
| Location: | USA |
| Posts: | 488 |
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Posted: Wed Sep 5th, 2007 05:58 pm |
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I'm glad that both my S and us parents have had some experience leaving my S at CTY and at string camp. CTY boots the parents out at a certain time, and the first year we arrived late and barely had time to put his clothes away and make up his bed (he had just finished 7th grade, so I did those things for him) when we had to leave. No time to fuss. (We did buy a necessary extension cord and cheap desk lamp for him at the college store and leave them for him.) Now he just expects us to drop his stuff in the room and leave. <G>
He has definitely benefited from living with five different roommates, if only for 3 weeks. It must be hard for kids who have never lived away from home at all and who have never shared a room.
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Wstrdg
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| Joined: | Mon Mar 6th, 2006 |
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Posted: Wed Sep 5th, 2007 09:04 pm |
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Consolation,
I so agree that CTY and other summer programs are a huge help! Ours will be flying by himself, using public/common transport, and taking everything necessary in his luggage. Whatever isn't absolutely necessary, we'll ship later or he can buy. It's a tiny, tiny room built for two but housing three.
We've heard from roommate's mom that not only is the entire family, including sibs, driving and staying for the weekend, but they don't expect their kid to actually have to live in the dorm until they leave. And they want to adopt the roomies as part of the extended family, help them settle, etc.
My kid says don't worry, he's too quick for them to catch!  He's just worried for the roomie -- will he be the totally helpless kind or the now-that-i'm-free-i'm-wild type? I hope he's neither, but has simply learned to cope with his heli-mommy.
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limner
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| Joined: | Sun Jul 16th, 2006 |
| Location: | Tennessee USA |
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Posted: Mon Sep 10th, 2007 12:18 pm |
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| I definitely had the "interfering" angel on one shoulder and the "hands-off" angel on the other when we helped S move into his dorm at Carleton last Wednesday. It was above 90 that day, and we still hadn’t bought a fan. The temps had been in the 50s at night and high 70s to low 80s in the day, so it kept slipping to the bottom of the list. I was heading to the student center and told S I could buy a fan at the bookstore when I was there. He said, no, he could get one later, but I checked at the bookstore anyway (note the I-angel on my right shoulder). There was only one fan that wasn’t either pink, lavender, or mint green, and I grabbed it. Then I noticed the (only) black clip on reading lamp, and grabbed that, since S didn’t have a bedside table in his room. My H waylaid me on my way to the check out, “Did he ask you to get those?” Er, no. After pointing out to me that S “needs room to maneuver,” I put the lamp back. But I did get the fan; neither one of us could bear the thought of S spending a miserably hot first night.
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