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limner
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Posted: Sun Aug 12th, 2007 02:27 pm |
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So far, Mr. Limner (a tip of the hat to Hummingbird) and I have been really impressed with everything about Carleton. Their latest mailing to us is no exception. Tucked in with S's New Student Week guide, an envelope for parents included, among other things, a helpful sheet on "transition" ("n. An instance or process of changing from one form, state, subject, or place to anotther.")
It talked about the ups and downs of transitioning from high school to college--for both student and parents. It even has a diagram of the "W-curve Theory of Adjustment, by authors Gullahorn and Gullahorn."
I loved the last paragraph of the sheet:
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ABOUT THE MOMENT OF DEPARTURE
Whether you will be traveling to campus with your student or taking them to the airport, train or bus station, the actual moment of parting may be difficult. Plan to take your cue from your son or daughter. He or she may seem anxious or eager for you to leave, or may develop last minute jitters as the time draws near. Whatever the case may be, remember that you have had close to 18 years to convey everything that you would like to say at this moment. Trust the job that you have done; trust your student.
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I cried when I first read this and cried again as I typed it. I'm hoping that I can get out all my tears and not embarrass myself (or--more important--my S) when the time comes to say goodbye.
Carleton also gave the following book recommendations on the subject:
In Addition to Tuition: The Parents' Survival Guide to the Freshman Year of College, Marian E. Borden et al., New York: Facts on File, 1995.
Letting Go: A Parent's Guide to Today's College Experience, Karen Coburn and Madge Treeger, Adler and Adler Publishers, 3rd ed., 1997.
When Kids Go to College: A Parent's Guide to Changing Relationships, Barbara and Philip Newman, The Ohio State Press, 1992.
Transitions: Making Sense of Life's Changes,William Bridges, Perseus Press, 1980.
Almost Grown: Launching Your Child from High School to College, Patricia Paick, Ph.D., W.W. Norton Co., 1998.
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Lynda
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Posted: Sun Aug 12th, 2007 04:26 pm |
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The paragraph is beautiful.
I'll have to check out the W curve.
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limner
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Posted: Sun Aug 12th, 2007 04:34 pm |
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| Lynda, basically, it says that the first year (or, at least, the settling-in period) is shaped like a W, with a highpoint to start, A-Honeymoon, then low point, B-Culture Shock, then another high point, C-Initial Adjustment, then low again, D-Mental Isolation, and finally the high point of E-Acceptance & Integration. Probably the most important lesson to take away from this theory is that the path of adjustment isn't linear (which, come to think of it, is true most of life's big adjustments).
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Lynda
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Posted: Sun Aug 12th, 2007 04:49 pm |
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Limner thanks,
I googled but wasn't sure of what the highs and lows were. I thought inital high on arrival,1st low getting used to school/missing home, 2nd high with school becoming home and looking forward to home for visit., then 2nd low because you are home again, away from exciting school, 3rd high acceptance.
Real explanation makes more sense.
LA
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WestrnMom
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Posted: Sun Aug 12th, 2007 05:03 pm |
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Having been through this once before, I can tell you it's different for every student and for every school. Some kids hit the ground running and don't have all those extreme emotions. Others may take a really long time to get into the feeling of school, may be very homesick for their parents, or a sibling or a pet or even just their own rooms, or for their friends back home (most of whom are also gone away to college) and may start out at a low but gradually move up to a comfort zone. I don't think you can generalize as to how your own child is going to react, although I may still read the books mentioned. I read Letting Go and found there wasn't much new in it.
What I learned from my first one is that they need to get out and meet people right away. Everyone is new the first few weeks, most people don't come to college with friends, so they all need to meet new friends. The sooner the better, and the more the better, so they can start to form some good friendships and also have a few kids they like just to eat with or to hang out with. Also, the sooner the parent is away (not callling all the time, not visiting all the time if they are local) the sooner the student adjusts.
Mine found she met more people if she sat down with someone she didn't know in the dining hall and started talking. Other people were often very grateful to meet someone new and to have someone to eat with. Her school had more than one commmons, so she went to different ones to eat so she could meet more students.
The LACs seem to have a lot of get-aquainted events, both by year (freshmen) and by interests.
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limner
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Posted: Sun Aug 12th, 2007 05:16 pm |
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WestrnMom, I think you're exactly right, that different kids have different reactions. I'm so impressed with your D sitting down with complete strangers. My son is usually quite socially adept, but he's also a creature of habit. I know the first month or so at school won't be easy. The good news is that he's finally getting exited about starting college. 
He's been yakking on the Carleton discussion board with some other kids whom he's clicked with. They're in his dorm too, which is great. It seems to have taken forever, since he's not on Facebook and hasn't heard from his roomie yet. So I'm hugely relieved that he's made some connections that he's happy about.
BTW, WestrnMom, I keep meaning to say that every time I see the term "Supermoderator," I think you need an avatar of a cape! Last edited on Sun Aug 12th, 2007 05:17 pm by limner
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mackinaw
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Posted: Sun Aug 12th, 2007 05:16 pm |
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I was impressed with how both my kids' schools conducted the initial separation.
At the first, after the move-in and a bit of financial doings (banking) there was a scheduled Convocation in the early afternoon in Rockefeller Chapel, to which all were invited. Our son was told that there was an importnat dorm meeting scheduled for 4 PM, and that was student-only, and other O-week activites were scheduled for the evening. And so we had a fixed time to depart. We left him doing a jig in a line of strangers (other first-years), as we headed for the car and our 200 mi drive home. There was nothing else to do but head home. He had a schedule. We were superfluous. "Is that it? we thought." And it was, until we returned a few weeks later for parents' weekend.
Just like the first one, with our daughter after the move-in and some financial doings, there was another convocation -- all come. A rather nice event in an old church. They told us in that community meeting that we would be separated on departing the church, however, so we should say our good-bye's now. And so as we exited the church, it was students to the right, parents to the left. She had things to do, and we had our 800 mi. trip driving home ahead of us. Again we thought, "Is that it?" There was no point in hanging around, so we made some distance the first day, and made sure we had reservations for Parents' Weekend.
I think knowing that we will see our kids again in a few weeks makes the departure more readily acceptable. It's not like they were never away from home for a few weeks at a time before. And we'd be able to make a checkup. But the schools themselves understood the value of enforcing some definition to the parting of the generations that first day. (We've heard of cases -- not at these schools -- where Mom slept in the dorm room the first night. No, no, no, no, no. It wasn't going to happen at our kids' college.)
Last edited on Sun Aug 12th, 2007 05:25 pm by mackinaw
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limner
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Posted: Sun Aug 12th, 2007 05:20 pm |
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| Mack, I've heard that at Carleton they kindly but firmlly send the parents on their way after the festivities. Makes sense.
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WestrnMom
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Posted: Sun Aug 12th, 2007 05:33 pm |
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Limner, she had no choice. She only knew a few other kids when she started school and they were either off campus or in a different dorm and commons. Her roommate had a boyfriend back home and never left the room or her phone much the first few weeks. D didn't want to eat every meal alone and she wanted to meet people. She said there wasn't one stranger she sat with who was upset that she approached them. And it's not like it's a permanent friendship. It only takes 10-15 minutes to eat a meal so if they don't get along, it's no big deal. I could tell the minute she started making friends to spend time with as she stopped calling us every day. 
If you remind your son that no one else is going to know anyone (most of them don't especially if they aren't going to the local college) and they all need to make friends, it's easier for them to become more outgoing. They can become anyone they want to at college. All the old high school stereotypes and reputations are gone.
I try to point out the big picture to my children, so they can see outside themselves. If they realize everyone is probably a little homesick, and also a little excited and nervous at being in a new environment, it makes it less scary for them and more of a universal experience. Of course there are going to be kids who can't wait to get away from home and who adapt like chameleons, but most everyone else has some jitters or concerns, if not outright worries.
I honestly think S will adapt to college far more quickly than we will adapt to the empty nest.
Last edited on Sun Aug 12th, 2007 05:36 pm by WestrnMom
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limner
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Posted: Sun Aug 12th, 2007 05:42 pm |
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| WestrnMom, great minds think alike. I remind S often that all the freshmen will be nervous, friendless, and more or less in the same boat. I think he's beginning to believe me.
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Lynda
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Posted: Sun Aug 12th, 2007 11:25 pm |
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You are all correct, Just about everyone is nervous and willing to chat with a stranger. It isn't uncommon for the student to wonder if they or the school made the right decision. That was mentioned during son's move in convocation. The Dean assured the students that they were chosen because they were highly qualified to contribute to the Redlands community.
Redlands has lots of activities to meet different people during move-in week. Move-in day, there are enough activities to keep everyone busy and after dinner the students have to get together. Parents get to meet the freshman seminar prof and peer advisor during dinner. You have time to take the cue from the kid and leave. IF there isn't a cue, then you have to leave when they go for the group picture. Redlands recommends that the students stay on campus until at least Fall break, 4 or 5 weeks in. Running home every weekend makes it harder to be a part of the community.
Husband did have to make an emergency drop off of a second trumpet, super soaker and tux during the first month. If husband didn't work down the freeway, oh well he would have survived.
I haven't read any of the books but my guess is that the schools do this so much, they know what they are doing.
Our son did adapt quicker than we did. Just when we really adapted, the school year ended.
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mackinaw
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Posted: Mon Aug 13th, 2007 03:39 am |
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Regarding making new friends, or starting off anew, I recall a wonderful little conversation between two first-year girls who were waiting in line on check-in day at my son's college. These two girls were evidently good friends from high school, and they chatted away.
At one point, one of the girls surveyed the room carefully, then turned to her friend and exclaimed, "Isn't it wonderful? Nobody knows us here!"
This is another way of saying that heading to college is a way to start with a clean slate, to make new friends. Pretty much nobody knows anybody else. But this also means that youi don't have a reputation to live up to, or live down to. Treat it as an adventure.
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scoop
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Posted: Mon Aug 13th, 2007 12:56 pm |
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| That quote was lovely. I wish your son lots of luck.
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limner
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Posted: Mon Aug 13th, 2007 01:34 pm |
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scoop, thanks. It's definitely a rollercoaster ride of emotions, this getting ready to launch.
Mac, that's a great story. And you're right about starting college being a tabla rasa.
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WestrnMom
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Posted: Mon Aug 13th, 2007 04:37 pm |
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I am impressed with the parent handbook they sent us. I just pulled it out and started reading it. Very helpful information. They even have an online course for parents that stretches out over the first semester on letting go and expecting changes in our college students.
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limner
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Posted: Tue Aug 14th, 2007 11:45 am |
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| WestrnMom, what a great idea--an on-line course. That is impressive.
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WestrnMom
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Posted: Tue Aug 14th, 2007 04:41 pm |
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I ended up checking out a pile of "going to college" books from the library. There are some good tips in them. I'm reading In Addition to Tuition. There are suggestions I hadn't thought of about preparing to leave, plus some items to buy that I didn't think about. Very little time left. I'm reading as fast as I can!
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limner
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Posted: Tue Aug 14th, 2007 04:59 pm |
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| My H and I are going to San Francisco this weekend (he's presenting a paper), so maybe I'll hunt that one down to take with me. Since we're flying to Minnesota four days before the dorms open, we'll be shopping for stuff there. It's definitely approaching fast.
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WestrnMom
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Posted: Tue Aug 14th, 2007 09:08 pm |
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There is some practical advice on getting things to a college out of the area where you aren't driving. They even have suggestions on the best way to get a car to college if it's too far to drive it.
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limner
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Posted: Tue Aug 14th, 2007 10:55 pm |
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| Good, because we're flying from TN to MN. Sounds like I can use that book.
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