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ellenrch
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Posted: Thu Jan 24th, 2008 02:57 pm |
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I started to write about this in the "senioritis" thread but decided it might be worthwhile to start a new one. I notice the emotional side to senioritis in my son: his awareness that after graduation, he and his band of friends will all move on to the next phase of their lives. He's talking about this more often and really savoring the time he spends with his friends (as in three hours in Starbucks, "and we talked about every possible subject"). He also has a longtime girlfriend, and I'm sure that, too, is part of the equation. As adults we know these are the kinds of relationships he can look forward to having in college--and frankly, it's usually the college relationships that last. (But I'm not telling him that now.  )
This took me a little bit by surprise because he is so excited about going to college. And I'm embarrassed that I have been thinking a whole lot about how my H and I will handle his leaving and probably not enough about his transition. He has truly great HS friends--they're absolutely the best kids. (To be honest, I was thrilled to get out of high school.) And he's seen and been part of lasting friendships that my H and I have, so he knows they're possible and good for the soul.
How can we support our kids in moving on and letting go, but still keeping in touch? Does anyone else see this in their seniors? College parents: How did you handle it with your kids? I'm sure it's natural, but my only experience is with my stepdaughters and nieces/nephew--all of whom seem to have been glad to kiss high school and their classmates goodbye.Last edited on Thu Jan 24th, 2008 02:59 pm by ellenrch
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jocelynDAD
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Posted: Thu Jan 24th, 2008 03:13 pm |
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You stay away from the subject. It is difficult to do so, but IMO no matter how well motivated and well meaning, your efforts will fall on deaf ears.
They just have to experience the change, especially when it concerns a Home Town Honey. 
Now if your child approaches you about the subject, you can speak about the many paths ahead etc, but in no case IMO can you tell them that the HS experience is over, or overblown or of little future consequence, all of which is most likely true but not something that would be helpful at this stage.
His friends are all going thru the change and together will face the inevitible. I have found that 18 year olds (for the most part) are eager for the future to begin. Naturally, many are not that ready but most do quite nicely.
You just have to have your antennas up and ready to receive but keep the sending button locked up until called upon (if ever). 
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outwest
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Posted: Thu Jan 24th, 2008 03:31 pm |
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I can't really help here because my youngest D is looking forward to shaking her HS friends. She has been in the same school district her entire life and longs for some new faces (and for HS to end). My oldest was the same way. My middle DID have good HS friends and maintained those friendships when she went away. She found that over time they withered, though. She is 22 now and does go out with some friends from high school on occasion, but most have changed and moved on.
The only suggestion I have i to remind him that he will probably be home for the holidays and summer for the first couple years. I know some kids have fun catching up with people then. If he feels sad at times, that is okay. They all seem to adjust. Many high school romances end a couple months before the end of the school year.
I think it is healthy to move on after high school. That doesn't mean you have to throw away friends, but college is a great time to reinvent yourself however you want to be. You can't do that if everyone around you has know you since you were 5.
Last edited on Thu Jan 24th, 2008 03:33 pm by outwest
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ellenrch
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Posted: Thu Jan 24th, 2008 06:53 pm |
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| I couldn't resist checking back even though I'm supposed to be working because I had a weird feeling that I had just blurted it all out without thinking whether it was worth blurting. It may just be uncontrolled helicoptering-in-advance on my part. Thanks to you both. My S had his "I can't wait to leave" moment after spending 1st-8th grades with the same 25 kids. He's usually so adaptable, rolls with the punches, embraces change, etc., that I was surprised to see this little blip in his usually adventuresome attitude. Duct tape is in order. Receiving without sending is not my strong suit, but it's a good idea.
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CarolynLawrence
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Posted: Fri Jan 25th, 2008 03:14 am |
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Ellen, thanks for bringing this up. There's an excellent book for parents called Letting Go (if I remember correctly) that does a good job of discussing the emotion issues of this transition for both students and parents (yep, it's emotional for us too!)
When my daughter was a senior, she was worried about how she would do on her own in college. A good friend gave me some excellent advice. She said that the job of parenting in the months leading up to when your child heads off to college is to slowly start giving your child more freedom and to also encourage them to start solving their problems and fix their mistakes on their own. That really helped my daughter, as did letting her know that it was OK to feel some sadness about leaving home, and keeping an open ear ready for when she wanted to talk.
My son is not at all worried about how he'll fare once he leaves home, however, he is starting to bounce back and forth between excitement about starting his new life and sadness about leaving his friends and girlfriend. The girlfriend is the particularly thorny issue. Like your son, they've had a long term, very happy relationship, and are really best friends in addition to boyfriend-girlfriend. In many ways, she keeps him grounded, and I know their relationship is very important to him.
What will happen after graduation is a very touchy subject for my son -- he really doesn't like to talk about it, or even think about it, because when he does, he gets pretty teary-eyed. He and his girlfriend have actually decided NOT to discuss what will happen to their relationship until after graduation, and he's not keen on talking about it with me, his dad, or his sister either -- I worry about that a little bit, because I think that the more he and his girlfriend push the issue underground and try to pretend that there isn't this huge elephant in the room, the harder and sharper it will hurt when they do have to finally decide how things will go.
I'm pretty much taking the same tack with my son that I took with my daughter. Loosening up the reigns in terms of not telling him what I think he should do, letting him know that it is OK to feel some sadness about things, and keeping an open, willing ear if he needs/wants to talk.
Last edited on Fri Jan 25th, 2008 03:18 am by CarolynLawrence
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Chedva
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Posted: Fri Jan 25th, 2008 12:17 pm |
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My d also worried about how she'd do on her own in college. In addition to trying to do as Carolyn suggested about loosening the reins, I also reminded her that she may be away, but she wasn't totally on her own. Her father and I were no more than a phone call, text or e-mail away. I let her know that she could bounce anything off us that she wanted to, and we always had her back, and that it would be her choice when and if she wanted our help. (Helicoptering in reverse?)
I also reassured her that her feelings were normal and I'd bet almost every soon-to-be freshman was having them. I think she relaxed at that point, knowing that this "grown up thing" could be a gradual process and not a sink-or-swim one.
As it turned out, she had a couple of technical (computer-related) challenges and got sick during orientation - I think for the first 3 weeks of school I spoke to her more often than when she lived at home (with access to a car)!
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WestrnMom
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Posted: Fri Jan 25th, 2008 07:46 pm |
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It's normal to want to cling to what is comfortable and well known rather than looking ahead to the unknown. They all worry about making friends in college, but may not want to admit it. In my experience with my own children, they ended up making some very good friends in college. One of my children is barely in touch with any of the best friends from high school but has grown closer to some of the more casual friends as their interests changed. Another has a core, close group of friends at home that are still close and still spend time together on holidays and vacations. There is no set answer. It depends on whether they still enjoy each others' company and have some of the same interests. If they do, the friendships will continue.
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ellenrch
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Posted: Fri Jan 25th, 2008 08:31 pm |
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Thanks for all of these responses. Some of my best friends in the world are friends from college, and I'm confident the same thing will happen with him. Carolyn, my son's relationship with his girlfriend sounds just like your son's. I'm laying low on that one, because it is their decision, and a learning experience as they figure it out--though it's indeed the elephant in the room. And I'll offer advice if asked!
Back in 9th grade, all I wanted was for him to like high school better than I did. And he has done that, so that's a good thing!
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limner
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Posted: Sat Jan 26th, 2008 05:23 pm |
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ellenrch, I think your son is doing well to realize that he'll miss his friends next year and to relish his time with them now. This fact didn't hit my son until he was at his current school's Accepted Students Weekend, and it depressed him enormously.
He's a freshman now, but he seems to be handling the transition well. He hung out with his old HS friends over Christmas, having a really nice time with them. But he also stayed in touch with his college friends, via e-mail.
My son and his HS girlfriend are still together, even though they're at different schools (in different states, although both in the midwest). That seems to be working out, too. He visited her once last term, during his mid-term break, and she's going to see him next month.
I think this is definitely a landscape that they have to negotiate themselves, but your son sounds like he's ahead of the game, IMHO.
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moewb
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Posted: Tue Jan 29th, 2008 01:53 pm |
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I think you tell cautionary tales.
You indicate that some friends remain, accepting of the different experiences each will have. Some do not stay as close, particularly those whose expectations are that 'things will always remain the same' for the group when the reality is that nothing will remain a constant. You also prepare for the cycles of homesickness: initial infatuation, then reality bites, then adaptation to environment, and hopefully, eventually comfort and acceptance and mastery.
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limner
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Posted: Tue Jan 29th, 2008 02:22 pm |
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moewb reminds me that I tended to downplay how things would go my son's freshman year. I talked about how he was sure to feel some homesickness, and how "odd" things would feel. We talked about the transition he would go through and how it wouldn't just encompass the first few weeks of school. We also talked about how up and down (and around) his feelings were likely to be.
I did this because he's always been a creature of habit and likes the same old, same old. I also took my cue from him. He had told me of a someone who posted on the school's message board a note to the tune of "HOW AWESOME WILL THIS FALL BE!!!!!!????" or something to that effect. This was the exact opposite of my son's feelings on the subject. My son felt more trepidation than excitement about starting college, I'm afraid. But he did great; he expected emotional zig-zags and so when they came, they didn't throw him. And he's had a wonderful time at school and met some great friends.
It really varies from kid to kid. That kid who was so excited and expected the fall to be awesome may have done just fine too.
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moewb
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Posted: Tue Jan 29th, 2008 07:30 pm |
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My son - who is in France this year with SYA at 16 - was also a creature of habit, so much so that homesickness, when it hit him, hit hard. He's well past it now, and adapted to his new environment so well that sometimes I think he'll go to college in Paris instead of near home. I will say that the adaptation took nearly 4 months. Forewarned is forearmed!
For those homebodies such as mine above, it is, IMHO, all the more important to recognize that the transition is an adjustment, can be difficult, and will, at times, be painful. It is also a one step forward, followed by two back experience - at times.
If I had that transition to do again with my son, I would say to him explicitly that although we may be apart, I am still available and willing to help as needed. My DS seemed to think that all the issues he confronted initially were all of a sudden his to solve without a support network; it took him a bit to realize that we parents will always be parents just as it took me a bit to realize that he was managing a great deal on his own, perhaps more than any 16 y.o. should reasonably be expected to do. As such, I tended to hear about issues only when they had become - relatively speaking - BIG - to him, and not on a weekly basis; I tended to be on the receiving end of his stress overload.
If I had the transition to do again personally, I would also minimize my reactions to his ups and downs. It was difficult letting go, and all the more difficult an Atlantic Ocean away. Lesson learned. We parents have to grow up sometime !!!!
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CarolynLawrence
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Posted: Wed Jan 30th, 2008 01:08 pm |
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Moewb,
You bring up a good point about the parent minimizing their reactions to the child's adjustment. I have found this to be important when my daughter is going through her angsty periods at college (the adjustment doesn't end at freshman year!). When she calls all full of anxiety, it is really hard NOT to get just as anxious as she is while talking to her. I've learned that my role is not really to try to "solve" things for her any longer, but to listen, be sympathetic, offer ideas if I can (although sometimes that can be dangerous), and to try to stay pretty neutral about what's happening. It's hard.
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ellenrch
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Posted: Wed Jan 30th, 2008 02:41 pm |
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You're right about tempering the reaction. This is a part of "helicoptering" that I don't understand, when I see parents jump in and take on the anxiety. I have enough anxiety of my own, thank you very much! Being a good listener--and, when asked, giving good feedback--is what matters. But it is hard not to problem-solve for them.
In fact, starting this thread might have been an attempt on my part to problem-solve But maybe not. I just did a double-take when I saw this little change in my son. Great suggestions all along, so I'm glad I asked the question here.
A related observation: I am NOT sorry to be done with the parental-involvement part of school. Talk about senioritis. I volunteered a fair amount through middle school and not been very active in high school. I'm going to pass on a volunteer opportunity this week because I am feeling just plain burned out. And I only have one kid, so for me the school years have been relatively short!
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limner
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Posted: Wed Jan 30th, 2008 04:08 pm |
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ellenrch, I hear you on being burned out on school-helicoptering, and I have a 10-year-old D, sigh.
My son wrote on my birthday card last November that he was grateful for having my ear during his first term. He said he always felt better after talking to me (sniff). So I think what Carolyn and moewb were saying rings true: just listening can help enormously.
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CarolynLawrence
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Posted: Thu Jan 31st, 2008 02:15 am |
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Limner, I meant to thank you for saying that your son and his Girlfriend have managed to keep it together. That was reassuring. I have always suspected that your son and my son have a lot in common (still kind of wistful about Carleton...), and it helped to hear how things are going for your son in that regard.
My son and his girlfriend celebrate their two year anniversary on Friday. 
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scoop
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Posted: Thu Jan 31st, 2008 11:24 am |
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| limner, I have a 10 year old as well. I have learned how to say no and not feel guilty. This thread is helpful to those of us with kids still in high school too. Remember my post about my daughter calling at 3am during her pre-college program? She has often said to me that she would like me to just listen...and not point out out what she could have done differently. I'll keep trying I have two friends who married their high school boyfriends. They are still together. They are grandmothers and I still have a fourth grader!
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limner
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Posted: Thu Jan 31st, 2008 11:31 am |
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Carolyn, I think you're right about our sons being alike--and I'm still wistful about your son's ED to Reed--very happy for him but wistful for us!
My son and his girlfriend seem to be doing really well. I do think it's easier these days, with cell phones, IM, e-mail, etc., to keep in touch. I see a lot of cynical talk on the other board about Thanksgiving break-ups, etc., but I don't think it's a given. And I sometimes see staying with a HS sweetie portrayed as not growing or as being stuck in the past and not making friends at college, but I don't think that's necessarily the case either. I think it takes some maturity to keep a relationship going long distance, and I know my son has made wonderful and close friends at school. So, so far, so good!
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limner
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Posted: Thu Jan 31st, 2008 11:36 am |
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scoop, I'm better about reminding myself that these are *her* school projects not mine, but she has such a laissez faire attitude that it's still anxiety-provoking.
And I still sometimes fall into the "here's what to do" mode with my son. He called the other day about a paper that he hadn't done as well on, and I think I was less than stellar with simply listening and not advising. Sigh. It's a process--for all of us.
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frazzled1
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Posted: Thu Jan 31st, 2008 11:51 am |
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My d seemed melancholy last night when she told me that she was the only one of her core group of friends at high school who'd be going far from home next year (600 miles). Several of her friends have applied only to in-state options, and several have re-thought their lists and seem less likely to choose the far-off options (this could change again, of course). She was down about the group breaking up, even though there are still 4 months until graduation.
I've actually been waiting for some of her close friendships to break up before graduation, which I witnessed with both of my older daughters, and have heard about from friends, too. April really does seem to be the cruelest month. Choosing between colleges, dealing with possible rejections, senioritis, etc. - I think many kids just don't have the energy for keeping up some long-term friendships. Maybe, at some level, they're thinking, "We're all moving on in August, anyway." Each of my older girls had 2 significant friendships end or fizzle out - one was repaired, in the case of my older d. My middle d has always had her eyes on the far horizon, is home only for a few days at a time, and doesn't miss her high school crowd at all.
Youngest d does have a boyfriend (her first one). He's a sweet kid and things are going well between them, but I'll admit I'm a bit worried about how their relationship will play into the transition to college. When they just "liked" eachother, she told me they'd of course go back to friend mode by August. Now I don't know. Of course, mine is but to sit and fret.
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