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mackinaw
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Posted: Mon Nov 5th, 2007 04:08 am |
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New Study Gives Hovering College Parents Extra Credit
By Jay Matthews, Washington Post Staff Writer
Monday, November 5, 2007; Page A01
Despite the negative reputation of "helicopter parents," those moms and dads who hover over children in college and swoop into their academic affairs appear to be doing plenty of good.
That's the conclusion of one of the nation's most respected college surveys in a report, to be released today, that experts call the first to examine the effects of helicopter parenting. . . .
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/11/04/AR2007110401754.htmlLast edited on Mon Nov 5th, 2007 11:52 am by mackinaw
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binx
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Posted: Mon Nov 5th, 2007 01:07 pm |
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I really like this article. I do think there is such a thing as harmful helicoptering. Most of us have a good idea of what is over the top. But the term has come to be applied a little too liberally. This article says a lot of what I've come to believe.
I don't know how the article defined "helicopter," though. I have definite parameters of involvement with my kids concerning what I think is appropriate. But I doubt those would work for everyone, because our kids are individuals, and our family relationships are unique. I know there are parents who think it's terrible my kids go to school so far away, and others who think it's terrible my kids call me for advice as often as they do.
"If you are a helicopter parent when your kids are in college," she said, "are you going to continue to be a helicopter parent when your kids get out of college? When they get married?"
The falicy in statements like this is that it's not recognizing a continuum of maturity. Like saying, "If you do this for your three year old, how will he ever manage in kindergarten?" I hate the concept that there is a right age to cut off all support.
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CarolynLawrence
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Posted: Mon Nov 5th, 2007 01:23 pm |
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So much depends on the personality and strengths and weaknesses of the individual child.
My daughter has always expected and, to a certain extent, needed more of our involvement. She gets anxious when we aren't involved and helping her. This is true even in college, and even though we try to *gently* get her to be more independent.
My son, on the other hand, was born independent. I remember very clearly how in third grade when I asked him about his homework he said, "Mom, let's make a deal. If you stop bugging me, I promise I'll get it done." That pretty much has been our relationship ever since. He is still "getting it done" without much input from us, and probably will continue to do so. We're here mainly as sounding boards in those few instances when he does need a little bit of help, and of course, as disciplinarians during those trying times when he pushes his independence. a little too far.
If someone were to look at our relationship with our daughter, and our involvement level in her life, we'd probably be tagged as helicopter parents. If someone were to look at our relationship with our son, and our involvement level in his life, we'd probably be tagged as pretty hands-off. Different strokes for different kids.
Last edited on Mon Nov 5th, 2007 05:30 pm by CarolynLawrence
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RMmom
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Posted: Mon Nov 5th, 2007 01:47 pm |
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Carolyn,
Once again, your kids sound just like mine.
I look back on my own college days and I wish my parents had been more involved. I was too young to be going away to college on my own and at the time, UCLA did not require freshman to live in the dorm. In fact, they did not have enough dorm space for all the freshman and they had a lottery to see who would get in. I did not and ended up in an apartment with 3 Juniors (all over 21).
My parents gave me an allowance for food and rent and paid tuition. Other than a weekly phone call, they left everything else to me. I nearly flunked out my freshman year because I was so overwhelmed by having to grow up so fast.
College courses are overwhelming enough without having the responsibilities of managing finances, roommates, utility bills, etc at 18 years old (17 in my case).
I agree it depends on the kid and the situation. But shoving them out the door to college and saying, 'okay you are on your own now' is not necessarily the way to raise responsible adults.
Last edited on Mon Nov 5th, 2007 01:48 pm by RMmom
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Northeastmom
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Posted: Mon Nov 5th, 2007 02:23 pm |
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| I agree with Carolyn, and Rm. Also, some kids are independant and smooth sailing until college. Also, some kids run into housing/roommate issues, get sick, get involved with unsavory characters, college red tape, don't do well right away in a class or two, have trouble budgeting time and dealing with freedom. Some have substance abuse issues, eating disorders, etc. Every student is different, and every college experience is individual, so every student requires a different amount of family support.
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Daaaad
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Posted: Tue Nov 6th, 2007 12:32 pm |
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I think our dilemma is how much is too much? I talk with my D at least 2-3 times a week. Is that too much? No, not if I am just checking in and chat about whatever just to keep in touch. But if I am helping choose classes, intervening with profs, etc., that is too much for me. I ask questions but only to make sure she is considering all her options or taking full advantage of what her college has to offer. I always leave the decisions to her and that to me is the line I won't cross. As a result, I seem to know everything I need to know about her school life and I'm confident that she is making good decisions for herself. That's a good trade off for me.
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Chedva
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Posted: Tue Nov 6th, 2007 04:29 pm |
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Look, none of us set out to "helicopter." We all do what we believe is best for our kid.
Have I intervened with college administration on my d's behalf (not counting financial stuff)? No. Can I see a scenario in which I would? Yup.
It all depends on the kid, the parents and the situation.
In that sense, "helicoptering" can be defined similarly to "middle aged" (ten years older than I am): It's whatever someone else does that's more than we do.
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lfm
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Posted: Tue Nov 6th, 2007 05:52 pm |
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Gosh - if I didnt help my son a lot, he would be at the local community college next year. There is nothing wrong with that, but in my sons case, he would probably know more math than a lot of the teachers. He certainly wouldnt find his peer group like he would if he goes to Caltech or MIT.
I am not sure why our society feels there is a magic age in which we stop helping them. I see it as a gradual process, but on our time scale and no one elses.
I really want my son to choose Caltech - it is close by, and I can make sure all is well. Talented kids do get lost at large schools or when they go away (or even small schools close to home). We want to be there if he needs us.
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WestrnMom
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Posted: Tue Nov 6th, 2007 07:26 pm |
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Being interested in one's child and talking to them often is not the same as getting involved with the student's college professors or administration. The only time we had to get involved with our older child's school was regarding payment of a housing bill. They made it so ridiculously impossible to get information we were literally at our last straw. Finally someone in the office was willing to tell us that yes, they did get the check credited correctly to the housing bill. Some schools take that to extremes. We have had to contact S's school about a bill and had no trouble at all getting the information. I believe whoever pays the bills should have any access they need to make that process run smoothly.
The only other time I might contact an administrator is if my child were having a serious problem that needed intervention but even then only after my child had made every attempt to resolve the problem first. Otherwise, they should be able to figure out what to take, how to get their work done, where to go for resources if they can't, and other personal matters about college for themselves. I have friends who have called the major office to ask where a class meets when the student was lost on campus. I don't think that is helping one's child very much.
Giving support over the phone or via email or IM is not helicoptering. It's good parenting. I, too, struggle over how much to let go, though. Do we turn over everything to them from selecting auto insurance to shopping for clothes? Should it be gradual or all at once? I know I'm still doing things for my children that they could do for themselves, but it's just easier for everyone right now for one person to handle it all. I also see that most young adults I know are not nearly as independent from their parents as my generation was at the same ages. I don't know if that is necessarily a bad thing or not. In some ways, I was like a bird kicked out of the nest who wasn't quite yet able to fly.
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Consolation
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Posted: Wed Nov 7th, 2007 05:19 am |
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WestrnMom wrote: I also see that most young adults I know are not nearly as independent from their parents as my generation was at the same ages. I don't know if that is necessarily a bad thing or not. In some ways, I was like a bird kicked out of the nest who wasn't quite yet able to fly.
Me too. I could have used more involvement in high school, AND in college.
To put it briefly, I had a teacher in high school with whom I did an independent study. She was new to the school, and didn't know me (and obviously didn't bother to talk to any of the teachers who did). She more or less accused me of plagiarism because I hadn't consulted her enough to please her--I thought that independent study meant independent--and she thought the vocabulary and insights in my paper were too advanced for a high school student. She POSTED my paper on a public bulletin board, with a D on it! (Can you believe it?) Did my parents go to the school or call her or anything at all? No. The school's response? When a Seven Sisters college from which I had received a likely letter said they would rescind it if something were not done about this D, they oh-so-kindly allowed me to RETAKE the independent study.
I guess I wasn't brief  but it still rankles. Sometimes parents ought to step in. I note that the article says that kids with involved parents are more likely to visit professors during office hours, and so forth. That was precisely what I *didn't* do, partly as a result of this episode. I had learned that teachers could do whatever they wanted to me, academically, and that no one would stand up for me. So I avoided most of them.
Last edited on Wed Nov 7th, 2007 05:28 am by Consolation
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Deja
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Posted: Thu Nov 8th, 2007 12:06 pm |
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In response to my oldest's dismal school experience through most of middle school, I perhaps "helicoptered" more than both the school and my son liked in high school. (My oldest has Asperger's Syndrome.)
I have "helicoptered" once since my oldest started college. He had documentation that allowed him a single room freshman year. He was waitlisted for a single the next year. Although he was supposedly "next in line" since summer, one never came through for him. He had a good roommate sophomore year (a slightly older student in the same major that he already knew), but at the end of that year my son told me that he really wanted a single again.
But he was again put on a waitlist at housing sign-up, and told that Housing would decide if he got one. When he told me that the housing office was raffling off single rooms, I asked him if he wanted me to get involved, and he said yes. So I e-mailed his disability counselor, expressing my surprise that Housing was raffling off single rooms, when there was a student with a documented medical need for a single who was waitlisted for a single room. I also pointed out the useless waitlist experience the previous year. The disability counselor must have forwarded that e-mail to Housing. My son got the single room, and didn't have a problem getting it for this year, either, in his on-campus apartment (he is a senior now).
Sometimes a parent has to get involved.
Last edited on Thu Nov 8th, 2007 12:09 pm by Deja
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Wstrdg
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Posted: Thu Nov 8th, 2007 06:23 pm |
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lfm wrote: I am not sure why our society feels there is a magic age in which we stop helping them. I see it as a gradual process, but on our time scale and no one elses.
Exactly. I may not be a "giant" but my kids can stand on my shoulder and learn from my mistakes. At 18, they really don't know all that's out there, and I see my role as identifying opportunities, matching skills/interests with possibilites. Ultimately, the decision is theirs, for the hard work involved in those possibilities will most certainly be 100% theirs. I'm the safety net, too, for at least a short while more.
Prior to 18, it's my job to monitor grades, homework, extracurricular activities. I'm not gonna throw my 16 yo's a credit card and the car keys and say "come home for Christmas, honey." I show them HOW to manage their time, but I don't do it for them. I show them HOW to take a study guide and break it down over a calendar. I show them HOW to find a teacher's email/phone, and I do listen while they leave a message. And I don't mind following up with a teacher-parent conference, if need be, which it usually isn't.
Every kid is different, as lfm observed.
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Chedva
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Posted: Thu Nov 8th, 2007 06:43 pm |
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We're told for 18 years that kids with parents involved in their educations do better in school, have fewer disciplinary problems, and are better adjusted than those with parents who are not involved. And we're supposed to just turn it all off when they reach 18? I don't think so.
And to those who say we're crippling our kids - Let's please remember that the age of majority used to be 21; it was lowered to 18 in the early 1970's as one of the political fallouts from the Vietnam War. The 26th Amendment, lowering the Federal voting age to 18 (another fallout), was ratified in 1971. And prior to the "baby boomers", 18 year olds were much more independent than they are now - fewer went to college, many married and began families, etc.
There's no magic bullet at 18.
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Wstrdg
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Posted: Thu Nov 8th, 2007 10:42 pm |
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| And observe how the drinking age has reverted to 21!
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Current time is 11:25 am | |
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